I’m Diana Swillinger and you’re listening to the Renew Your Mind podcast, Episode 56, a Conversation with my friend Angel Salucci about sabotaging thoughts and so much more.
DIANA: Hey. Hey, everybody. So glad you’re here with me today. I don’t have a lot to say right now. I’m just going to jump right into it, all right. I had a conversation with my friend angel on Facebook recently. She hosts conversations with friends on her Facebook page and she invited me, and it turned out the conversation was so good. So I just asked her right away, hey, can I use that on my podcast? And she said, sure. I think you guys are going to find it interesting because I talk to you about things all the time. But this is a conversation that’s unscripted. And we’re talking about sabotaging thoughts. We’re talking about emotions getting in the way or helping or hurting us. We talk about goals, doing hard things and so much more. So I think you’re going to love it. I also learned something when I was recording this with angel, and it wasn’t about angel. I learned that when my senior in high school is home because of Easter break while I’m working, that I really need to make sure he’s not gaming before I go and record with somebody because it pulls on the Internet capacity. And then my audio gets garbled and that’s what happened. So I pretty much cleaned it up.
But there’s a spot or two where my voice is a little warbly, so you’d think I’d learn. I did this once before, but here we are anyway. So who’s angel? She’s a friend of mine. We met a year ago when I was her speaking and presentation coach at a workshop, and we have been friends ever since. She’s Italian, she’s sassy, and that’s one of my favorite things about her. So here we go. Enjoy my conversation with angel.
ANGEL: Welcome to today’s episode of Conversations with My Friend. And I am so stinking excited to introduce you to one of my dearest friends, Diana Swillinger. She is in the house. Hello.
DIANA: Speaker 1 2:38 It’s so fun to be here. Speaker 2 2:40 I said to her, I don’t have a formal introduction for her because you and I, we’ve been friends for not even quite a year yet. But it’s just like, you know when you meet those people in your life and you’re like, you are my long lost sister. Like, where the hell have you been all my life? That is how I feel with Diana. And we met because I always like to let people know how we met each other. So I am in this, um, program, entrepreneur program, I guess you could say. And when I was crafting my signature talk, because I don’t know if you all know, but I’m creating a speaking platform. And Diana was one of my speaking coaches and helped me to embrace my philly, my Italian, and do all that, like, dago kind of talking, which is very derogatory. But because I’m Italian, I can call myself a degree.
DIANA: You can do it. We can’t do it. But you can.
ANGEL: You can’t do it. There you go. And I just love that that she’s really helped me come out of my show with all that and just embracing it. It’s really an important part of me. So anyway, welcome. Welcome, my friend. Thanks.
DIANA: It’s so fun to be here.
ANGEL: So Diana and I, we meet. We try to do it every, like, three to four weeks, but it seems like once a month. We’re getting together now. And, uh, zooming, of course, because you are north. But fun fact also. So we start communicating. We go back and forth on Facebook Messenger, and this girl can drop the bombs with the gifs. I thought I was good with those little things. Oh, no. I put out a good one, and she slaps me right back. With even a better one, I’m like, Gosh, how does she find these?
DIANA: You need to know exactly how to search. You’ve got to find the right search words to pull up just the right gifs or gifs.
ANGEL: And you’re so quick.
DIANA: My kids will correct me if I’m saying it. I used to call memes Maimays or something, and they’re like, mom, no, it’s memes.
ANGEL: Yeah, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if it’s GIF or GIF.
DIANA: I have no idea.
ANGEL: It’s kind of like giro gyro Yyro. Giro. It’s all those words, like, just tell me what it is, please. But, yeah, you’re fast with them, too. Like, if I send one, uh, then I have to go through the whole you put the sentence in for the GIF, GIF, and then I’ve got to pick which one I like, no, I don’t like this. Whereas you’re like.
DIANA: Search for it. Super being a word Smith. That’s why I help people write their signature talks. I’m good with words.
ANGEL: Yes, you are. And you find unique ones, too. Words, stories, gifs, whatever it is. That’s your whole thing. So, speaking of words, what we are talking about today is one of the things and we have nothing scripted, so you’re just kind of coming in on our little cocktails. Although she’s got water and I got coffee right now, so it’s not evening yet. But, um, one of the things that I thought we would talk about is about self sabotaging thoughts, and I don’t know how this came up with you and I, but you just kind of.
DIANA: It’S so much a part of me. So whenever I have conversations with friends or even if I’m coaching someone in the entrepreneurial space, I can’t get off of noticing thoughts that people have that might be sabotaging them. And I’m not talking about the ones where we’re like, oh, I hate myself. We know that that’s a sabotaging thought. Like, I could ask the question, what are some of your thoughts that you sometimes think that you know are toxic or sabotage you? And you would tell me some. I love finding the ones that people don’t know they’re having. And so I’m sure we’ll get into that. But nice segue about words because that’s what it is. It’s just words in our head. But they have so much more power than we realize. And so often we’re letting them do their own thing and we’re not in charge. I liken it to like, uh, an unruly toddler. That was my experience going to the grocery store. I was like, I got to get in, get out. I had three boys, all two years apart. So they were one, three and five at the time. I think I had one strapped in the car seat of the cart. You normally put a kid, but then the front of the cart had like a plastic car. So my two other boys are strapped in there and somebody I know from church comes around the corner and I’m like, oh crap. Because unruly toddlers, right, she starts talking to me and my boys get out of the car cart and they’re grabbing stuff off the shelves and putting them in the wrong place back on the shelves or in the cart or they’re on the floor. And finally this woman’s like, I’ll let you go. I really think that would be a good idea. But I, uh, think of our thoughts in our head that way. We have thousands and thousands of thoughts every day, but if they’re left unattended, it’s like a toddler just pulling thoughts off the shelf. Which ones are we going to stick in the cart? We got to pay attention. It’s like the little ingredient labels that we don’t pay any attention to on the foods where you think, oh, a little bit of that one won’t hurt me. Well, maybe. But maybe it does.
ANGEL: And then it wreaks havoc down the line. You may not notice it as it’s happening, but if that thought is always in your head, then that has an impact down the line on how you show up and who you become and all of that. And that’s kind of what you said. That the self sabotaging thoughts, big hairy ones, or, uh, what do we call them bags. Big hairy audacious goals that we have in life or even shags. Small hairy audacious goals. If we are allowing negative thoughts subconsciously, then that’s going to trigger how we show up or impact how we show up in these things.
DIANA: Yeah. And I think anytime we’re noticing, like, I’m not making the progress on this I want to. Whether it’s a personal goal or work goal or relationship, whatever it is, I’m not making the progress I want to. Or why does this seem so hard? This should be easier or, uh, it should be different than it is. There’s probably some way you’re thinking about it that’s keeping you stuck, and it’s worth taking a look at. So I’ll tell you what my secret is on that. I mean, I just take the cognitive behavioral therapy model from psychology, which talks about, first we have our thoughts, and then out of those thoughts come our emotions, and then out of our emotions come our behavior. We know that self feeling. So we’re all like, you got to have the right mindset. Got to have the right mindset. And sometimes I think mindset is a little too macro. And then we have these little micro thoughts that really seem harmless, but they can ruin everything. Because if you have a thought that we figure it out by if you’re stuck, you’re hesitating, you’re procrastinating, whatever, you’re having some emotion like doubt or fear or overwhelm or frustration or something that’s keeping you from moving forward. We got to figure out what the thought is. And sometimes it’s one that doesn’t seem so bad and we don’t realize it’s.
ANGEL: Just as simple fix as your thoughts.
DIANA: Sometimes it’s simple if we believe it, but sometimes if we believe the new thought we want to have, but if we really believe I’ll give you an example. Say you want to do a project. Well, how about this? I’m trying to exercise better. I know you were doing the whole.
ANGEL: Something last year, 75 hard.
DIANA: That’s it?
ANGEL: That’s it.
DIANA: And you’re telling me about it. I’m like, no. So I’m getting older. I just still color my hair is all. And I’m noticing, like, by the way, yeah, thank you. I shovel and I’m like, ow, now my shoulder hurts for two weeks. Or I go for a walk, and I’m like, man, my hips sore. And I don’t want to grow old and be weak and hurting all the time. I’m like, I got to start exercising. I got to start getting some body strength, right, to protect my structure and my muscles from getting injured and stuff all the time, right. And I don’t do anything about it because I think that’s going to be hard. And that doesn’t seem like that bad of a thought. Like, it’s going to be hard. Yeah. Getting up earlier and exercising, it’s going to take effort. Maybe it will be a little hard. And then we think, what? I’ll do it anyway, but when I have that thought, this is going to be hard, I feel like then I have an emotion like, um, procrastination or doubt. Like, it’s going to be hard. Maybe I won’t stick to it and have all these other subconscious thoughts that kind of go along with it. This is going to be hard. When you face a goal seems like a normal thought, that’s fine, it’s going to be hard, I’m going to do the work. Mhm but sometimes it prevents us from doing any work at all if the emotion that comes out of that leads us to hesitation or procrastination or doubt or fear or anything like that. So I can’t think, this is going to be hard. It’s a nice idea to work hard, but I honestly don’t like the idea of working hard.
ANGEL: Yeah, and you’re right. You can come at it from two angles. You can either say, that’s going to be hard, yay, I’m up for the challenge, or that’s going to be hard, I’m just going to sit on the couch. Or I can’t do that, or I’m not going to be able to do that. I can’t do hard things. And you brought up 75 hard. And that was the big takeaway away from that. It wasn’t the weight loss, it wasn’t the healthy eating. It was the fact that I showed myself at 56 that I can do hard things. Because I would have had those thoughts before, oh, that’s too hard. I’m not doing that. I’m not getting up at 04:00 a.m. To exercise. I’m not doing that. But now I know, no, you could do hard things. So now if something is hard, I’m like, Dude, you can do hard things.
DIANA: But if this is going to be hard, makes me hesitate. I need a different thought. That thought is sabotaging me from doing what I want to do. So I started trying to figure out instead of what could I think to start being getting, uh, the work done that I want to for exercise. What do I want you to feel like? You need to feel determined to do a hard project. I figured out that I wanted to feel like invested in myself and in my future. Mhm, I suppose that’s more like dedication. If we had to pick an emotion, so then I can’t have any. Oh, if I need to be dedicated to actually get up and do this and stop sabotaging myself, what do I need to think when we go back to cognitive behavioral therapy? I like to call it what you think, what you feel, what you do. If I need to feel dedicated, so that what I do is the exercise, what do I need to think to feel dedicated? So for me, it’s like, um, maybe it’s hard, maybe it’s not. I’m going to do it anyway.
ANGEL: So almost like apathy towards this situation.
DIANA: Well, basically it doesn’t even matter if it’s hard. It could be easy or hard, that doesn’t matter. I’m going to do it anyway, is the thought. Then that really drives me.
DIANA: And then whenever anything else comes, I don’t want to go for a walk. Who cares? I’m going to do it anyway. I don’t want to do my plank and crunches, I’m going to do it anyway. Mhm and then that leads me to feel dedicated. So that’s what I’m talking about when I’m talking about a sneaky thought that can sabotage you. Like, this project is going to be hard. You might never notice that that thought is sabotaging you if you didn’t investigate it and see what you feel after you think that thought, right?
ANGEL: Exactly. It’s just taking it that step further and attaching a feeling to the thought.
ANGEL: And I would think that this is kind of related, but especially and listen, I don’t want to speak for women, but maybe men deal with this too, but we have those negative self talk in our head, self sabotaging thoughts that go through our head that make us show up less than who we are. So we’re not good enough, we’re not thin enough, we’re not whatever, fill in the blank, anything. And so if we think those things, then that’s such, oh, I just said something good. I want you going we don’t always.
DIANA: Think I’m not good enough. What we often think is, I could do this better, I need to do better. And a sneaky thought underneath, I need to do better. Could be I’m not doing it right, I’m not good enough. Mhm right.
ANGEL: How would you recognize that or know.
DIANA: I need to do it better? You’re kind of telling yourself, I’m not doing it good enough right now. It’s just worth examining. That’s what I’m talking about. The sneaky, sabotaging thoughts. Mhm I need to do this better. That could be the thought that’s sinking you, maybe. So we explore it. This is what I do. I do coach people in the entrepreneurial space, but I’m a life coach for women as well. And this is what we do that some of my clients call me the Mind Magician because I’m like, that sounded like it was helping you, right? Mhm yes, I was thanking you. Let’s think of something different. So if you are thinking, I need to do this better, and then you’re having an emotion that makes you want to retreat or watch Netflix or eat another Oreo or ignore your project or whatever, there’s probably some sneaky thought attached to that. Like, I need to do this better because right now I suck. Mhm and whenever we have a sneaky thought in the shadows that we don’t pay attention to because we have thousands of thoughts a day, that leads us to shame in some way. It keeps us stuck in whatever that.
ANGEL: Area is because that is how the brain is designed to work to protect us. So then we don’t pursue that because our brain is designed to protect us from anything that’s going to harm us or put us in danger in any way. I mean, that goes all the way back to our ancestors for the fight or flight and all that kind of stuff. So if I think that that’s going to be too hard and I’m not good enough or I’m not doing it good enough, well, my brain is saying, sit down, baby doll. We could sit over here. We don’t have to do that right now. And that’s kind of our brain protecting us. And I’ll share a story with you. So, you know, I’ve been trying to birth this whole course program. I’ve got a master class and dashboard, uh, and all this kind of stuff. Well, I’ve been working on this for two years, and in my head, the whole time, it’s like, now, listen, I know a lot of stuff. A lot. I’ve been in healthcare for over 40 years. I’m, um, a medical fraud investigator. But in my head, I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I feel like an imposter. So it’s been taking me so long to get this done, and I think it was probably well, it was last month in March, I said that’s it like, no more excuses. I’ve shown myself in 75 hard that I can do hard things. So I need to show up, and I need to get it done. So every day I’m showing up, is it hard? Yes. Every day do I bury my head in Chris’s chest? They’re like, that was so hard. That was so hard.
DIANA: And I have to do it again tomorrow.
ANGEL: But, like, figuring out recording courses, how to figure out how to create content, because I’m not a teacher. I’m a nurse. So all of this kind of stuff has been really, really hard. But now I’m changing the message. You did 75 hard. Now, as stupid as that sounds to me, that showed me that I could do hard things, and I’m showing up. So I am changing that voice in my head to show up. And you know what? You’re not an imposter. If somebody wants to say I’m an imposter, I’m just somebody. I’m not trying to be an expert. I’m just trying to be somebody who can help other people and share what I know. And when you come at it from.
DIANA: That I don’t know when I’m coming.
ANGEL: At it from that angle. It’s kind of like, take the pressure off, girlfriend. Nobody else is putting it on you. And that’s the other thing. I know you’re supposed to be talking, but we put these thoughts in our head. Nobody else puts them on us. You never said to me, angel, you’re not good enough. You shouldn’t be doing this. No, but I come at the table.
DIANA: With that, and that is the absolute best news, angel, because if you are the creator of those thoughts, you can be the master of your thoughts. That’s the best news ever. So anybody who’s listening to this, if you are the one who’s been putting yourself down and keeping baby in a corner, you’re the one who can bring baby out of the corner. It’s totally in your power. I love that you switched to I can do hard things. And if you wanted to take that thought to even one more level, take the word can out of it.
ANGEL: I do hard things.
DIANA: I do hard things. And this one, I’d like to offer this for people listening to because I survey, um, people who join my Facebook community, the Renew Your Mind community on Facebook.
ANGEL: Congratulations, by the way. 15,000 downloads on your podcast.
DIANA: Thank you. Thank you. That’s, uh, exciting. And it’s spreading out to multiple countries. And I have a lot of, um, followers and people who’ve joined my Facebook group from Germany and stuff. Or not Germany, but yes, Germany. And, um, Netherlands and UK. Canada. Mexico. So it’s getting really exciting. Yeah.
DIANA: So a lot of people listening here have had impostor syndrome. What I was saying is, when I survey the people that join my Facebook community, I just ask them a question when they join. This is what’s a toxic thought you know, you have basically what’s a toxic thought that is sabotaging your life. And what the most common one is, I’m not doing good enough, or I’m not enough. Um, all of that is in that Impostor syndrome category. Yes, it is. Everybody struggles with this, so everybody listening who hits this. What I want to offer to all of you, that’s what I like to think about, offering thoughts. You can keep thinking that if you want that you’re an imposter or you’re not good enough, it just probably isn’t going to get you the results you want. One way to kind of loosen that thought up and think something different is if I’m an imposter. Everybody’s an imposter, m? Isn’t that true?
ANGEL: Yes. All of us in our own way. And if you told me that you feel like an imposter in this area, I would look at you and be like, why would you ever think that? And vice versa. Like, if we opened the kimono and showed somebody, this is where I feel weak, they would be like, oh my gosh, you seem so strong there. So it’s really what we bring to the table. It’s what’s here. And the other thing I want to bring up with you is, for some reason, I thought when we have these thoughts, it stunts our growth in regards to professional, mental, emotional, all of that. And if we don’t allow our children to do anything that’s going to stunt their growth, why are we allowing these thoughts to stunt our growth from growing to become, um, the person we want to be or live the life we want to live?
DIANA: Right? That’s why I always say, if a friend came up to me and be like, I suck. I’m such an imposter. I’m doing such a terrible job, we’d be like, Come on, girl. No, let me set you straight. And here’s why. And then we do it to ourselves. And we never set ourselves straight. We’re just like, yeah, of course, beat yourself up. It’s fine, right? That’s absurd.
ANGEL: So, um, I want to share with you because I brought this up with you, but for anybody else listening out, there this song, uh, I don’t know when it came out, it was by Pink. There’s a clean version. What got me is I was listening to it one day, and then she stops in the middle, and it’s almost like she talks, like these voices in her head. And she says, um, you’re so mean. And she’s talking this you’re so mean when you talk to yourself about yourself, and you are wrong. Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead. Oh, I stopped in my tracks when I heard her. I’m like, what did she just say? And then listen to this course. Kind of like what you were just saying, that everybody has these thoughts. The whole world is scared. We try, try, but we try too hard. And it’s a waste of my time. I’m done looking for the critics because they’re everywhere. They don’t like my jeans. They don’t like my hair. Exchange ourselves. We exchange ourselves who we want to be, for, who we’re settling to be all the time. Why do we do that? Why do we do that? Why do we do that? And then, uh, she says, please, please don’t ever feel like you’re less than perfect. Please, please don’t ever feel like you’re less than perfect. You are perfect, and we are. And especially for those who are faith based, if you’re made in the image of God, then aren’t you already perfect? So why do you allow these thoughts in your heads?
DIANA: I don’t know exactly. I teach that one all the time. We don’t go around like well, some of us do, but we don’t go around, like, judging and putting everybody else down and telling them how terrible they are. I mean, most of us don’t. No, but why do we do it to ourselves? And speaking of faith based, because I am. But there’s a few key verses in the Bible I go back to. But everybody knows this one. Love your neighbor as yourself. We suck at loving ourselves. We’re probably going to suck, at least in our heads, at loving other people.
ANGEL: And maybe we’re getting deep now. Maybe that’s the crux of, uh, why our society is so polarized and fighting. Because you don’t like yourself. Because if you like yourself and you’re happy with yourself and you love yourself, whether or not you’re faith based, you’re going to be kind and loving to other people.
DIANA: That people who love themselves the best and most often and don’t judge themselves. You’ll notice if you examine them, they have little to no judgment for other people. They have a high acceptance of all people. The less we judge ourselves, the less we judge others, definitely. But we judge other people because we’re just hating on ourselves. My mom says this is a joke. She just said it yesterday at Easter. We were joking about it all day. Turn your shame into blame. So, uh, when we are feeling shame, it’s a joke. We don’t really want to turn our shame into blame. When we’re judging ourselves, we’re thinking, there’s something wrong with me, then we feel shame. That’s what shame is, believing there’s something wrong with me. If you feel guilty, it’s because you think you did something wrong. If you feel shame, it’s because you think something’s wrong with me. And when we have that burden of feeling something’s wrong with me, and we don’t all have it at the really deep, deep levels, but the impostor syndrome, that’s having a little bit of shame, like, there’s something wrong with me, we can try to offload the pain of feeling shame by blaming other people. That’s why we do it. We turn our shame into blame to try to relieve ourselves from the discomfort and pain of our self judgment.
ANGEL: Wow. And I think what you’re saying is, like, if we don’t like this, this, or this, well, I did this, and I feel this way, or I’m sad, or I’m not happy, or I’m over drinking, or I’m overeating because you made me feel this way, because you’re not doing this for me, you’re not paying. And we blame other people for it, when really and you know what I’ve learned to say? Because I’m divorced, I was married 28 years, and of course I went through a blame thing. Well, it’s your fault, it’s your fault, it’s your fault. But now I realize that because of where I’m at, people do the best they can with the skills that they have at that time. So there’s no reason for me to blame anybody for what my situation is or was. They did the best they could with the tools they had. And I did at that time, the best that I could with the tools that I had. But now, as I work on those self sabotaging thoughts, I like to think I don’t have that many anymore. And I change the voices in my head to like myself. Instead, I feel like I’m showing up as a more powerful and happy and loving and kind person because I feel, uh, powerful, happy, loving, and kind to myself.
ANGEL: Work with yourself first. Right here?
DIANA: So in your teaser for us talking, you said how to stop the thoughts from coming into our head in the first place.
DIANA: Um I wanted to tell you that I don’t actually have that for you, but here’s what I do have. Our brain offers us thousands and thousands of thoughts every day. I think of it like a buffet. Right. Or I thought of it this way, too. Like, if you go to a batting cage for baseball, the balls come. If those are thoughts coming, we choose to engage. Swing at. Them and engage with those thoughts, or we can let them pass by. So I don’t say necessarily there’s a way to stop those thoughts from coming into our head. They just do. The brain is like a supercomputer. It’s offering. Run this program. Think this thought, it’ll still come up. You totally suck. I think of this for myself, right? My business is having, like, a growth spurt right now, and so I’m all back in. It like, oh, my gosh, I suck. I can’t do this. It’s too much, right? So, see, like you said, um, if.
ANGEL: I said that, why would you say that that happens?
DIANA: I’m like, okay, here’s that thought where I doubt myself. Interesting. Do I really believe the thoughts there? But now I decide, do I really believe that? Do I want to engage with that thought? Do I want to pick it up and hold it? Do I want to play with it? And, hey, little thought, I like you. You think I suck. Let’s hang out for a while. Or do I want to let it go?
ANGEL: Yeah. Ah.
DIANA: So the thought will still come. So I think the real decision is to do I believe and engage that thought, or do I just let it fly by, like, in the batting cage? If you’re not going to swing at it? So it’s okay if those thoughts come up. Let’s just not play with them. Let’s just not put them in our pocket. Let’s just not make them a companion. So that was interesting. Humans have self sabotaging thoughts and self doubt thoughts and stuff all the time. Okay. Am I going to choose to believe it? No, not today. Sometimes I do for a little bit. I’m like, it seems really true right now, so I guess I’m going to believe it for now. Maybe I’ll be done believing it in an hour. But right now, I’m feeling doubt, and it feels terrible. And I’m just going to do that because it seems so real. And this is, like, next level, next conversation we have or whatever, but then I can get into, like, okay, I want to feel doubt for a little while. What does doubt feel like? How, uh, am I physically experiencing doubt? Because emotions are physical manifestations. That’s what we call them feelings, and they’re energy in our body. There’s heat maps. You can just Google emotional heat maps, and it’ll show you where there’s extra heat and energy in your body with different emotions.
ANGEL: So that conversation would be good for somebody who can’t let go of those feelings. Okay, well, let’s sit with it, and let’s unpack it a little more until you almost emotion. Yeah, we give so much power to it.
DIANA: It’s discomfort. Yeah, you can do discomfort. You do hard things. Feeling an uncomfortable emotion might be a little hard. So what? But you can do it, and then you can let it go. Get back to work, right?
ANGEL: This ties in with what Clarissa, who was on Conversation with Friends last week, and she was talking about she was the artist who also does the mental health, and she has an acronym called Rain. And she says, when you have a negative emotion, which I didn’t even tie this to you, but, uh, it’s kind of like you’re both saying the same thing. And even meditation, when we learn meditation, it tells you thoughts are going to come in, but you’ve got to decide what you’re going to allow in or not. But what she says, brain, is that you want to recognize. So for you, it’s the thought coming in. You want to, um, accept it, accept that it’s real, it’s there. And then you want to invite it into a conversation. And then N is I forget what N is. Um, but the visual that I had was that if you’re feeling something, sit yourself down. Doubt, let’s say doubt. Sit yourself down on a park bench is how I envisioned it. And let’s have doubt sit right next to you for a while, and you’re acknowledging it, and then just start to unpack it. Like, do I really feel what you’re saying? And, uh, if you do, then you sit there a little longer, like what you just said, until you unpack it and feel all that, and then eventually you can walk away. And it was funny. There was this one image that I saw online many, many years ago, and then it said, because I was really angry after my divorce, I was really, really angry. And it was a picture of a girl in a white gown and another one in a black gown. And the quote said, I sat with my anger long enough until I realized that it was actually loss that I felt, not anger.
ANGEL: So maybe when you sit and you recognize what you’re feeling doubt, like what you’re saying, it’s not really doubt you’re feeling. It’s these other ones down below. But you got to sit with that first part before you can get to this part to note, no, this is what you’re dealing with. And once you realize, oh, it’s loss, not anger, everything is just then you.
DIANA: Come at it from a different I can do loss. And when you notice that and you allow you now you’ve given it space to live and breathe, and it can process, instead of having it just buried under anger and never addressing it.
ANGEL: Right. Because you’re really not angry. Not everybody. But I’m saying you may think you’re really angry that somebody did something to you or whatever the situation. Well, no, really, you’re mourning loss of that relationship, of that friendship, whatever it is, because you could be mad at somebody. Oh, we’re not talking anymore. Well, no, you’re just really mourning the loss of that relationship. Okay? So that’s a whole different emotion that you can unpack. I love that.
DIANA: I love that we’re not off track on thoughts, because, remember, it’s a three pronged thing. It’s what you, uh, think, what you feel, what you do. And when you feel anger, what you do from that emotion is going to be very different than if you’re feeling lost. And then what are you going to do? Uh, and then we could take it to the next step of that. After all of that, what you think, what you feel, what you do, you end up with what you get. So if you know what you want to get, you can kind of reverse engineer it from there. I know us entrepreneurs like reverse engineering. It’s super fun. But you can do it with goals, right? Not just in the way of the steps you need to take or a timeline. But if this is what I want to get in life, what actions, what would I do to get that? Now back it up. If those are the things I want to do, because that’ll get me that outcome, what do I need to feel to drive? Um, what I do to do? If you can pick the right emotion, like I said in the beginning, with exercise and to feel invested in myself, then I do the activities. Once I know what I want to feel, I take it one step back. If I want to feel invested in myself, what do I need to think? And then, like I said, it’s just for me, and it’s different for everybody. You can’t just take somebody else’s. I love all the podcasts, and I’ve got a podcast, and everybody has all their stuff out there, and you hear people’s solutions, or, you know, other people started courses, and you’re talking about starting a course. You can’t just go reverse engineer how somebody else started a course. You have to take all the information you have. Imagine the end result if you have a course that’s selling, and then figure out what you angel would do to have your outcome, be a course that’s selling, and then once you know what you want to do, then back it up. What emotion will drive me completing that stuff?
ANGEL: Wow. And Diana, as you’re talking, uh, it’s almost like a giant web, because it’s not just as I’m creating my course, what do I want to do? I also think about as I’m making this, what do I want the viewer, the purchaser to feel? What do I want them to do? I want them to do the course as a result of it. What do I want them to feel? So then therefore, if I want them to feel this, well, then what do I have to do so that they feel this? And then what do I have to feel in order to do that? But I love that there is a lot.
DIANA: Yeah. The good news is, if you just do what you think what you feel you do, and do that intentionally in a couple places with a couple thoughts, it starts affecting other things and we start doing it more naturally. It’s like creating new neural pathways. We all been hearing about neuroplasticity these days. It’s so real and that’s why everyone’s talking about this stuff. That’s why I’m in this space, because it is so real and it works.
ANGEL: So well and people don’t realize that. So, um, that’s why I needed you on here today to talk about that.
DIANA: That’s why doing 75 hard affected other areas of your life. Because doing that helped you create new neural pathways about doing hard things. You’re right.
ANGEL: And that was the whole point of the 75 hard. It was not a weight loss thing, it was a mental Iron Man. And I’m like, okay, that sounds silly. But then when I got to the other end, I’m like, oh crap, that’s exactly what I got. Good stuff, sister. Good, uh, stuff. And we have to change the voices. Let me see if there’s anything else I want to ask you. Oh, you’ve said this to before and I love this is that you get so let’s wrap it up with this comment. You said that you get to tell yourself whatever story you want. You may as well make it a good one.
DIANA: Heck yeah.
ANGEL: Heck yeah.
DIANA: Especially well. You could apply this to stories about yourself in your past. You can apply this to stories about yourself now, current day, and what you’re working on and what you want in your life. And you can apply it to your future. Like when I talk with people who have worry or fear about the future, I’m like, you’re telling a terrible story. You’re telling a story about how things are going to go wrong. Mhm.
ANGEL: Yeah. A lot of people are worriers big time warriors. And this applies to that. Yeah. DIANA: You got to tell a good story. You have regrets and pain from your past. You’re carrying with you because you’re telling a terrible story about your past. I do an exercise with my clients where we go through the story about our past and then we don’t change anything that happened, but we tell the story in a different way. We tell a good story. Changes everything. ANGEL: Yes.
DIANA: Love all the words in our brain.
ANGEL: Love all the words again. My thing was changing it to they did the best they could with the tools they had. It just changes the whole dynamics of everything. So in my head now, uh, you only get one life and you get to decide what you want your story to be. So first you have to think it, then feel it, and then you get to do it to live the life that you want to live, sister. Boom, boom, boom. Do you see why I love this gal? Yeah. Anyway, okay, because I have two closing questions I want to ask you. But how can people get in touch with you? Information about you and where can they find you, and all of that kind of stuff.
DIANA: The best places to connect with me? Well, first, I recommend my podcast, the Renew Your Mind podcast, and it should be available pretty much everywhere. Um, if you like it, give me five stars and leave a review. And if you don’t like it yes, that’s okay.
ANGEL: Um, leave a review and five stars, please, on your way out.
DIANA: Yeah. Uh, okay, so the Renew Your Mind podcast, and then I think the best social media to catch me on is Instagram. So at Diana Swillinger, you can DM me, ask me questions. And then for women, faith based women who are looking for a community to get this kind of thought work and just work on themselves and love themselves better and have more joy, more peace, more hope in their lives, that’s what I do in the Renew Your Mind community on Facebook.
ANGEL: And you can be anywhere in the world to take advantage of that. Yeah, good question for you as we wrap up today’s show is what is either you can tell me your favorite book, movie, or motivational song.
DIANA: Oh, my goodness. Book, movie, or motivational song? I’ll just go with movie, I guess. And, um, I have a few top ten, so this is my top ten, but Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Okay. It’s very funny.
ANGEL: Good one.
DIANA: Yes, it is. He has to change his story.
ANGEL: Yes, he does. He keeps telling himself, oh, that’s perfect for what you do. Talk about a tie around jeez.
DIANA: It’s probably why I like it so much, though.
ANGEL: Yes. Uh, recently, I’m, um, surprised you didn’t pick the motivational song, because recently on her Facebook group, she asked people, what is your motivational song? What song gets you fired up? And I did not answer that question because I know she has a faith based community, even though you probably would have laughed. But one of my favorite songs is the, um, Lose Yourself by Eminem M. But in the song, he says, you only got one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow, because opportunity only comes once in a lifetime.
DIANA: Yes. You didn’t post that. You need to go back and post that. Every song that goes on here will go on my playlist. And then somebody posted one. I was like, Maybe not that one. ANGEL: Okay, next question do you have because the whole purpose of the conversation with friends is I like it to hit one of the wellness pillars. And to me, wellness is physical, mental, emotional, which I guess could be mental or financial. Uh, now, you already gave us a ton on the mental, so do you have a tip for financial or physical wellness that you think, hey, you know, I do this, and it really works for me.
DIANA: You may want to try it for financial wellness. It’s really a thought, but it’s one of the most common things that I talk about money with people is wondering, do I have enough or do I not have enough? I just want to point out this is my little tip. When we don’t think we have enough money, we get worried. And I think that we just make that up, like, I don’t have enough or I’m not going to have enough. It’s just a thought. That’s not necessarily a reality. I’m always like, well, are you still paying your bills? Yeah. Have you missed any bills? No. Is there something you need that you aren’t able to go buy? No. Sounds to me like you have enough. Just a different way to think about it. It doesn’t mean we can’t want more. Right. But our financial wellness, a lot of times we think we’re not. Well, maybe we are. We could do it differently. We could still grow it and want for things and just let’s just do that out of more enjoyment of life and fun, not panic about it all.
ANGEL: Um, you are the mental health ninja, the GIF master and the mental health ninja. Just putting it like that, you’re like, oh, wait a minute. Yeah, I do. You think, oh, I don’t have enough. I don’t have enough money. I need more money. Are you paying your bills?
ANGEL: All right. Do you have a decent credit score?
DIANA: Yeah. Okay.
ANGEL: Do you want anything? No. Right.
DIANA: We’ve had our finances in the tanker. My husband and I. We got some government, uh, assistance after we had a business. And after the market crashed, our service business tanked because we were cleaning carpets. And then in 2008, nobody wanted their carpets cleaned. No houses, no businesses. Um, we lost almost all of our income overnight. Wow. And so our credit score tanked and we got some government assistance for, I don’t know, I think it was over a year. And we always had what we needed.
ANGEL: How was your mental health during that time? Like, did you have address?
DIANA: Before I really learned how to manage, I didn’t think I had enough. I was very panicked and afraid. But if I look back, we had everything we needed.
ANGEL: Which just affirms what you teach now.
DIANA: Is that I could go back and relive that. I’d be like, it’s fine.
ANGEL: Look at this, right?
DIANA: Everything’s fine.
ANGEL: Mhm my dad used to always say, no matter what bad thing happened, he’d always say, as long as you got your house. Then I’m like, well, what happens if you don’t have your health? He would say something else, as long as you got this, then as long as you have somebody that loves you or whatever. He always had that.
DIANA: Kind of like, I love him.
ANGEL: Anyway. All right, thank you. Thank you, thank you. You are the best. No, you’re the best. Yeah, I know, but you are too. No, I’m kidding. No, I’m not kidding. Anyway, because we got to change these thoughts, but thank you, everybody. Who has tuned in with us today on today’s episode of conversation with friends and Diana. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being welcome.
DIANA: I was looking forward to this. I’m sad it’s over.
ANGEL: We can keep going another time. Yes. All right, I’ll see you later.
DIANA: Thank you. Bye.
ANGEL: Thank you. Bye bye, everybody. We’ll see you next time.
DIANA: Well, that was fun. If after that you love angel as much as me, and especially if you want to tap into her specialty. If you want to know why you have to be on top of your medical bills, like you have to be on top of your medical bills, you need to follow her and check it out. Her website is overbrookconsultants.com, overbrookconsultants.com, overbrook, I guess. Right? Okay. Check her out online, and you can find her on facebook as well. Angel salucci. I’ll put her name in the show notes, and you can go check her out. All right, y’all, that’s what I have for today. So I will catch you next week. Take care. You.
As an advanced, certified life coach, I help christian women trying to live their best lives, but they still feel unsatisfied and stuck. I teach thought management skills that work so you can enjoy life life again and step into who god has created you to be. Don’t forget to head on over to rympodcast.com to get my free resources or a free coaching call.