I’m Diana Swillinger, and this is The Renew Your Mind podcast. Episode 57 How to Respond.
DIANA: What’s up, everybody? Hello. Hello. I love coming and hanging out with you each week. I have to say it feels like an honor, and it might sound like m I’m just saying that. But those of you who know me, you know, I say that it’s true. I am honored that I’m able to show up each week and offer ideas here and there. Some of them help you. I’m honored that you trust my intention for all good things, and I’m really honored to be on the journey of life with you. I think it’s all about relationships and doing it together, and I am grateful that you tune in and I’m a part of your life, because life’s not easy. We need people to walk beside us as we go through. I’m telling you, just because I’m a life coach doesn’t change that. There are challenges in life.
There’s things to navigate. Doesn’t matter how well you manage your thoughts. Life still keeps going. All that stuff is still there. What is different, though, is that I’m not adding unnecessary emotions on top of the ones that are happening already, because something might happen, and I feel disappointed. Right. And this happens to you, too. Something doesn’t go as we hope, and then we feel disappointed. Fine. That’s valid. I just don’t want to have to add anger or frustration or irritation on top of it. So life goes on. But if we’re willing to step up and be in the driver’s seat of what we think and what we feel and what we do, that’s when we get to feel joy and hope and peace and contentment, and it’s not even connected to anyone else’s behavior or people or circumstances. Like, we can feel some disappointment and feel joy. Uh, it’s such good stuff.
I love it. And again, I’m just so honored that I get to teach you what I know about this stuff and help make it happen for you in your life. And today’s topic kind of fits right along with what I’ve just been saying, because one of the things that’s really hard is figuring out how to respond to people in our lives or how to respond when something happens. So, quick refresher. Let’s start with just control and responsibility. Like, who am I responsible for? I’m responsible for me. Sure. I could say I have responsibility for employees or students or kids if there’s people I’m in charge of or care for. Right. But ultimately full responsibility and ability to control. The only thing I can have responsibility for and control of is me. I’m responsible for me. I might influence others, but ultimately I have no reliable control over them at all. So there’s so many self help people and well meaning posts on Instagram and all that kind of stuff, right? And I hear so many people in that arena say, we can’t control what happens to us, we can’t control what happens around us, but we can control how we respond.
Every time I hear that, I’m like, yeah, that’s true, but it’s not that simple. Every time I hear people saying that and even expounding about how we’re going to respond, I’m like, that’s nice. But I have people asking me every week, okay, I know that, but how? How can I control how I respond? And I’m asked this all the time because so often our own behavior, which is what our response is, it feels out of our control. So I’m here to tell you, my friend, the key to all of it is what we think, what we feel, what we do in that order and how we respond is what we do that comes after the think and feel. If you want to respond differently, you have to back it up. We can’t start with what we do. We have to back it up to what we think and what we feel. And what we think comes first. I remember this situation. I like to give you guys examples.
So there’s a situation I responded really poorly in. I had a boss accuse me of being dishonest. She didn’t say it directly, but she was challenging something that I had said, like cocking her head and looking at me side of her eye. Like, really? She was suggesting that I wasn’t being forthright. And my response felt out of control. My behavior felt out of control. I mean, I was trying to control it. I was trying to muster up enough strength to hold my tongue and stay pleasant. But it was really hard. And uh, that’s because I felt offended. I felt offended. Honesty is something I value really dearly. And the mere suggestion that I was not being honest immediately had me thinking something like, how dare she? With a thought like that. It makes sense. I felt offended, doesn’t it? Of course I felt offended. And I’m telling you, if you’re going to feel offended in a situation like that and the person that you assign that offense to is right in front of you, it’s going to be really hard to rein in your behavior, which is how you respond through your behavior. So what did I do? I think I rolled my eyes, I offered retorts. Might have sound a little snarky. I defended myself, of course I did. Because I was thinking, how dare she? Uh, I was not taking any responsibility for myself in that I was blaming her for my response. She was the cause of it in my eyes. And the whole interaction was a mess. It really was. I didn’t get to redo that situation, and I don’t really want to, but I’ve played around with it in my mind a little bit, especially now that I know so many mind renewal tricks. And I’m like, I could have responded differently. I wonder how I would have responded if I liked my response, because I didn’t like how I responded then.
But guess what? Trying to imagine what I would have done differently, I have not imagined rolling my eyes and defending myself in all the replays unless I let that thought come right back. How dare she? Then I kind of thought, well, I might do the same thing all over again. It was coming from the thought, if I want to redo that and respond differently, I’m going to have to think something differently and feel something different. It’s how it works. What m I think, what I feel, what I do, it’s the key to just about everything you want to fix in your life. I find this to be true over and over and over. I’m so much more mature now. So if I had to relive that day when my boss suggested I was not being honest, I would not think, how dare she? I know how that one goes. I don’t want to relive rolling my eyes and defending myself. It’s not the kind of person I want to be. I want to be the kind of person that shows compassion. I want to be the kind of person that shows humility. I want to be the kind of person that’s willing, um, to listen and willing to grow.
In some ways, I was that kind of person then. But I let that thought sneak in. How dare she? And so that kind of person I wanted to be was right out the window. That one little thought threw the whole thing off the rails anyway. If I wanted to feel compassion, I bet I would have responded differently, right? If I was coming from a place where I was feeling compassion, I might have said something like, I understand this is hard to sort through, but I’m willing to figure it out with you, and I’ll do what I can to help fix this or make this better. I’m in. Let’s fix this. To feel compassion and respond that way, I would have had to think something different. Maybe something like, uh, I don’t know why she’s thinking this, but her job has a lot of pressure. And I bet she just is trying to make her life and her job easier and relieve some of that pressure. She’s trying to figure it out, huh? That’s a much better thought than how dare she? And can you even feel the shift in the energy? Because when you feel offended, it’s fiery and charged. That emotion is hot and it makes you want to react and do things.
Compassion is different. Compassion has like a calming feel to it, kind of soothing. It’s probably the opposite of being offended. What a difference. And if I wanted to feel humility, that’s always a good place to come from in a relationship. I could think, she’s a human being and she’s struggling right now. She’s trying to sort things out. She can’t quite figure it out. Maybe she’s doing her best. I could even think, this isn’t about me. And you know that statement, this isn’t about me. If you use this statement properly, it’s a statement of humility. It’s a moment that you take to not make the situation be all centered around you. My boss questioning my honesty was about her because she is a valid human. She’s struggling, she’s trying to navigate life just like me. And it’s not easy with that. It’s not about me. I’m not suggesting we add a tagline like, this isn’t about me, because she’s the one with the problem. That’s not what I’m talking about with that kind of statement because that’s going to put you your emotion out of that thought is going to be something like arrogance. And that’s not going to end well either. That one will not end well. You’ll come across looking like you’re unfeeling or smug, arrogant.
The correct way to think, this isn’t about me is using it in a way where you’re humanizing the other person that you’re noticing. Life is tough for me and life is tough for her too. Humility anyway. If you want leverage over your response, that’s how you do it. We can change anything we do. We can change our behavior, what we say, how we respond to people, or in any situation by backing it up to what we think and what we feel. What we think is our choice. It creates the emotional experience we have. What we feel fuels our behavior and our responses and what we do. You should take responsibility for that. You want to take responsibility for that, right? Let’s put you in the driver’s seat of how you respond.
Choose a thought that creates the emotions that will fuel the behavior that is consistent with the kind of person you want to be. Let me say that one, one more time. Choose a thought that creates emotions, that fuels the behavior that’s consistent with the kind of person you want to be. That is a process that will change your life.
All right y’all, before I go, I have been getting emails and DMs about coaching with me because I’ve had a lot of interest after my March boot camp, which once again was awesome. So the quick answer to all your guys questions is I still have room in my group coaching. It’s starting on April 27, but that’s going to be here before you know it. So if you don’t want to miss out, sign up for a free mind Shift coaching call. That’s where I give you all the details. The next time, I am going to be opening up group coaching, which is at a lower price point than one on one. Um, coaching is probably going to be in late August, so if you don’t want to wait that long, let’s go. Now is the time. Okay. Also in May, I have room to take two more one on one clients. I had five spots for May, but I’m down to two. So if you want the details on that too, same thing. Just come get coached for free. And the link for the free Mind Shift coaching call is found at say it with me, you guys. You know it. Rympodcast.Com. So go sign up, and I can’t wait to see you on the call. It’s going to be fun. If you haven’t done it with me yet, it’s totally worth it. I have people come, and their lives are changed after just one call. So you can do that, too, if you want that’s free. All right, y’all, that’s it for today. So I will catch you next week. Until then, take care of you.
As an advanced certified life coach, I help Christian women trying to live their best lives, but they still feel unsatisfied and stuck. I teach thought management skills that work so you can enjoy life again and step into who God has created you to be. Don’t forget to head on over to Rympodcast.com, to get my free resources or a free coaching call.