I’m Diana Swillinger, and this is the Renew Your Mind podcast. Episode 87 Give Yourself Space.
DIANA: Hey, hey, everybody. Happy giving. I’m back with another episode in the series on giving during the holiday season. It’s all about the giving during the holiday season. But I don’t want you to give well, no, I do want you to give things to other people, but that’s not what I’m talking to you about. I am giving you four things that I’m hoping you will give to you. Last week, we talked about give yourself permission, and I don’t think I said it last week, so I’ll say it now. Give yourself permission to give to yourself. How’s that? These four things I’m promoting for you to give to yourself this month, you don’t have to spend any money on them. They’re all free, and it’s all good for you, and I really hope you’ll take me up on it. So this month, the four things we’re talking about giving yourself last week, give yourself permission. Today, give yourself space. And then the next two coming up will be give yourself appreciation and give yourself grace. So this week, give yourself space. There are many ways we can think about giving ourselves space, but there’s three that I’ve been thinking about and I’m going to talk about today, and that’s what we’ll focus on.
They are, one, give yourself physical space. Two, giving yourself relational space, and three, give yourself mental, emotional, and spiritual space. All right, so let’s start with physical space. I hear all the time people say they feel stuck. I think we sometimes don’t give ourselves physical space when we really need to, and that contributes to feeling stuck. If you live in, uh, a house, a home, or whatever your living situation is with family, for example, it can feel like we never have space. What’s supposed to be our private space, our home, is shared, and then many of us do not create physical space for ourself within our own home. So I want to ask you, do you have space in your home? Have you created a space for you, even if it’s just you and there’s not a lot of people in the home with you, do you have a space that you set aside for you that’s good for your soul? A space that has your mark on it with your style or the things you love? A special rug, pictures, uh, whatever else you would want around you where you feel like, wow, this place is specifically designed just for me. A place you go to be with you and feel good about being. You give yourself that space. Sometimes with physical space, it’s about taking time away from our normal places. It doesn’t feel like we have space in our normal places. We feel like we’re in we’re boundaried in our normal place. This is my work office. This is the place I drive to and from on this path every day. I eat at this restaurant. This is the home where I live. It’s all very familiar, and it doesn’t feel like a special physical space or giving ourselves physical space where our mind can open up to new things. Okay? We get kind of stuck in a rut. So I’m saying another way to give yourself physical space is to go somewhere where it kind of opens up your mind to seeing things differently. You get out of your house and you go for a walk. You go on a trip. You go outside somewhere and look up at the sky. You get out in the open air. You go into a different room that you don’t usually go into. Instead of working in that same space at work, go down the hall into the conference room in a different space where you don’t spend any time and see what happens. It can feel like you get your breath back. You can breathe. Your mind can think differently. It takes away the normal constraints of space. Not that there’s really constraints, but that our brain is used to. These are the walls of life that I’m usually in. Give yourself space outside of those normal walls and see something different. Like I said, one of the most common things I hear from people is I just feel stuck. And I think I’m going to talk about this again in an, uh, upcoming podcast next year.
That feeling of stuckness, it’s been a while since we talked about it, but it’s a thought thing. And I’m saying when we change our scenery and get out of the place that we’re physically in the moment and we’re so used to, we can give ourself space to breathe, space to think, space to be yourself, to be ourselves. And that can often be just what you need. Okay, so give yourself physical space now, relational space. Do you need space from people? Sometimes I really do. Even the people I love. Did you know that’s? Okay. Often we feel we owe it to people to be there if they want to talk, we need to be there. If they want to spend time with us, we need to say yes. We need to be there. If they want to stop over or they stop over unannounced, we need to let them in, because it would be rude to not do that. If we’re with family at the holidays, we have to stay in the room with all the people and converse with them and do all the things. And honestly, many times we want to do that. I’m not saying that’s bad. If that’s what you want to do, do it. When it’s something we want to do, it’s often life giving, but when it’s something we don’t want to do, it can be life sucking.
Maybe that person exhausts you. Maybe you don’t want as much time with them as they want with you. Maybe m they have a lot of expectations of you. Maybe they argue or talk about things you don’t want to talk about. Maybe they’re just not your kind of person. You can still have relationship with them, but sometimes you need space. And I’m saying that’s okay. It could come in the form of taking a break from them in the moment. It’s okay to take some space from someone you go on vacation with, someone you love. Don’t spend 24/7 with them, carve in some time to take some space. Or it could mean the restructuring of a relationship where you permanently build in more space. For example, instead of talking with mom on the phone every day, you can give yourself permission to take some space in that relationship. And you could choose to talk to her less, something that’s more comfortable to you twice a week, once a week. Maybe that friend who wants to hang out with you every weekend, but that’s more than you want to.
Maybe you can give yourself permission to say no and create some space in that relationship. It’s okay to honor what you need and give yourself some space. I probably have a lot of strategies on how to do this in a healthy way and in a respectful and honoring way. And we’re not going to get into that, uh, today in all that detail. Just know you can create space in relationships and you can do it without ending a relationship, and you can do it for you when you need that space. Okay? Lastly, give yourself space emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The primary skill I teach people in this area is to give yourself space to process emotions. To process them is to allow them to exist in your body, to let them be there, and to notice what sensations you can feel in your body. You can name the emotion and give yourself space to sit with it, feel it, process it. This is so healing. It brings relief. It’s the number one thing people tell me when they practice processing an emotion. I say, well, how do you feel now that you let that emotion process? They’re like, oh, I feel so much. I feel relieved. Because that pressure of holding that emotion in is relieved. It keeps us from being stuck, like in a failure to launch mode with that emotion. That’s why I think sometimes we think we’re feeling it because it’s there on the precipice of us processing it. And we can feel it and we could even name it, but we don’t give it space to breathe and process and have that energy move through our body, which is what emotions are. The brain releases, um, nerve impulses and hormones and communication to the body, and we feel it through our body. If we’re perpetually holding it back, it feels icky, and we don’t get that relief. In the world of counseling, we call this holding space. If you’re a counselor, you know this term well. If you’ve been in coaching before, you might even know this term holding space. What does holding space mean? It means being okay with yourself right where you are, while suspending judgment.
If you’re a counselor, it means holding space for the person in front of you right where they are, while suspending judgment. Okay, we do this with our friends. I’m going to just pick a really big example to make this point, okay? Holding, uh, space with a friend. Let’s say you’re at lunch with a friend, and she confides in you. She says, oh, uh, I just have to tell you something. I have to tell someone. Earlier this year, I had an affair. It was short, and it’s over, but I feel so guilty. And if you’re holding space for her, in that moment, you will suspend judgment. You will not think things like, oh, my God, how could you do that? What’s wrong with you? Why would you do that? That’s not okay. You’ve done something wrong. That’s not holding space. That’s judging. Most of us wouldn’t do that with a friend. We hold space for them, and we don’t judge. And we think or say things like, you are courageous for sharing that. I’m glad you trusted me with that. You’re safe with me. I know marriage is hard. I know life is hard. I get it. I’m here for you. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. That is suspending all judgment. Holding space for a friend to be right where she’s at and just being there for her. This is what you can give to yourself. When you give yourself space, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, you give yourself space to be human, a human who does interesting things, a human who has emotions, a human who has unique perspectives.
Give yourself space to be someone who questions life or isn’t sure about what they want or what’s going on, or questioning your beliefs. Give yourself space to have different emotions. Give yourself space to process it all and be where you’re at all while suspending judgment. Many of us think if we do this, the objection I have heard, if we stop being hard on ourselves, if we let ourselves have all the different ideas and emotions, or if we make mistakes and we don’t judge ourselves, if we don’t hold ourselves accountable, then look out, we’re going to screw it all up. We’re going to displease ourselves. We’re going to displease other people. We’re going to displease, God, I’m just going to go down this crazy path out of control, and they’ll be a mess. But I’m telling you, that is not how it works and it’s not how God designed it. God holds space for you to be human and be where you are at. He has done it over and over in the Bible. He held space with Sarah, he held space with David, he held space with Job, he held space with Peter, he held space with Mary, he held space for the woman at the well. He suspended judgment. And he showed up, and he was there to be with the person, to sit with the person, to allow them their humanity. And in that space, we heal. We don’t go rogue and forget all goodness. Instead, we give ourselves space to heal and grow and mature and wonder and appreciate and so much more. We become more of our true selves. We reach deep into our soul. We know ourselves. We become more authentic, and we travel with greater ease down the path to becoming more Christlike.
We know we’re on the human journey, and it’s not easy, and we give ourselves space. So hold space for you, suspend judgment. Give yourself some space. Give yourself space physically. Give yourself space in your relationships. And maybe not most importantly, but I’m going to pretend most importantly feels like it to me. Give yourself space to be you, wherever you are at, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, be okay with you. And give yourself space to be you. All right, we have done. Give yourself permission. Give yourself space next week. Give yourself appreciation. I’m really looking forward to that one. It’s going to be fun. All right, y’all, that’s it for today. So I will catch you next week. Until then, take care, you.
As an advanced certified life coach, I help Christian women trying to live their best lives, but they still feel unsatisfied and stuck. I teach thought management skills that work so you can enjoy life again and step into who God has created you to be. Don’t forget to head on over to. Rympodcast.com, to get my free resources or a free coaching call.
